mornings

my eyes open to a new day, with my heart pounding in my chest and my breath short upon my lips. the small shreds of hope and faith, whose arms i seek solace in, fade into disappointment at the unchanged reality i exist in. fresh waves of missing you, and longing for you to feel the same, drenches me, overwhelmes me, drowns me. 

i guess my heart has yet to embrace waking up to days without you. i wonder if it ever will. 

some days are harder than others. today was a hard one. but time, in all its relentlessness, brings forth tomorrow swiftly and ever so insistently. and with every new day, i hope it carries me one step further from this sadness. 

sleeplessness

is feeling the reverberations of your heartbeart, thudding to the aches of your hopeless longing

I'll close my eyes
'Cause then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're home with me
Morning will come
And I'll do what's right
Just give me till then
To give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
Somethin' that it won't
And here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
I will feel the power but you won't
No you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me
When you don't
When you don't

overwhelming fears

isn't it funny how towards the end, pieces from the beginning float through your mind in a perpetual stream of scenes from a bittersweet past life. even though i am trying to be patient, and wait for time to work its magic in dulling the pain and healing the intangible wounds, i am drenched in the fear that this anguish will never completely fade away.

i miss us more than anything that i have experienced so far. im so scared that i will never stop missing him. im afraid that he could hurt me in every way possible and i still would not be able to let go. im anxious that i will never be able to crush the hope i have inside of me that is hanging on for the moment he might come back to me. and i desperately want that hope to be annihilated. im terrified of the day when i see him moving on and i'll still be stuck pining away, wasting away, crazy with yearning.

im so scared.

I have a million things to talk to you about. A million things we have to talk about. All I want in this world is you. I want to see you and talk. I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning.

great expectations

my view of love at the turn of quarter of a century:

someone who is
the last person on my mind before i fall asleep and the first invader of my thoughts as i wake up
the person i turn to first with news of joy, sadness, frustrations, anger, pain, hope, fear,
the person i instinctively want to shelter, care for, protect and defend
the person i put above myself because their happiness is so irretrievably linked to mine

the person i want to stay home on a friday night with, potato-ing on the couch
the person i would blissfully spend hours with roaming down every aisle of the grocery store
the person who would drive away with me when life needs a break

the person i can share all my good and bad, past and present with, knowing he would accept and love me for them
the person i would intrepidly pick battles with, knowing deep down, we will still have each others' backs
the person i will inadvertently hurt from time to time, but who would embrace me all the same because we are more important than any of our pride, or grudges, or resentment

a best friend, partner in crime, ride or die, for life.

applications are now open.

The One

someone who chooses to embrace you over

his pride

his grudges

his anger

his pain

someone who decides to stay by your side when

times are hard

fights are had

tears are shed

someone who is determined to love you every minute that you are together.