mornings

my eyes open to a new day, with my heart pounding in my chest and my breath short upon my lips. the small shreds of hope and faith, whose arms i seek solace in, fade into disappointment at the unchanged reality i exist in. fresh waves of missing you, and longing for you to feel the same, drenches me, overwhelmes me, drowns me. 

i guess my heart has yet to embrace waking up to days without you. i wonder if it ever will. 

some days are harder than others. today was a hard one. but time, in all its relentlessness, brings forth tomorrow swiftly and ever so insistently. and with every new day, i hope it carries me one step further from this sadness. 

sleeplessness

is feeling the reverberations of your heartbeart, thudding to the aches of your hopeless longing

I'll close my eyes
'Cause then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're home with me
Morning will come
And I'll do what's right
Just give me till then
To give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
Somethin' that it won't
And here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
I will feel the power but you won't
No you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me
When you don't
When you don't

overwhelming fears

isn't it funny how towards the end, pieces from the beginning float through your mind in a perpetual stream of scenes from a bittersweet past life. even though i am trying to be patient, and wait for time to work its magic in dulling the pain and healing the intangible wounds, i am drenched in the fear that this anguish will never completely fade away.

i miss us more than anything that i have experienced so far. im so scared that i will never stop missing him. im afraid that he could hurt me in every way possible and i still would not be able to let go. im anxious that i will never be able to crush the hope i have inside of me that is hanging on for the moment he might come back to me. and i desperately want that hope to be annihilated. im terrified of the day when i see him moving on and i'll still be stuck pining away, wasting away, crazy with yearning.

im so scared.

I have a million things to talk to you about. A million things we have to talk about. All I want in this world is you. I want to see you and talk. I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning.

great expectations

my view of love at the turn of quarter of a century:

someone who is
the last person on my mind before i fall asleep and the first invader of my thoughts as i wake up
the person i turn to first with news of joy, sadness, frustrations, anger, pain, hope, fear,
the person i instinctively want to shelter, care for, protect and defend
the person i put above myself because their happiness is so irretrievably linked to mine

the person i want to stay home on a friday night with, potato-ing on the couch
the person i would blissfully spend hours with roaming down every aisle of the grocery store
the person who would drive away with me when life needs a break

the person i can share all my good and bad, past and present with, knowing he would accept and love me for them
the person i would intrepidly pick battles with, knowing deep down, we will still have each others' backs
the person i will inadvertently hurt from time to time, but who would embrace me all the same because we are more important than any of our pride, or grudges, or resentment

a best friend, partner in crime, ride or die, for life.

applications are now open.

The One

someone who chooses to embrace you over

his pride

his grudges

his anger

his pain

someone who decides to stay by your side when

times are hard

fights are had

tears are shed

someone who is determined to love you every minute that you are together.

aches and breaks

my dear old friend, it has been a while hasn't it?

considering i only ever turn to you when i am at my lowest, i suppose that is a good sign for how i have passed these last few years. but it seems i have now traveled beyond the good-times-hump in my life journey, to arrive yet again at the mouth of a downturn, and oh what a steep one it is this time.

this new bottom starts the way so many usually do: with falling in love. it was unpredictable, sudden, inconvenient, uncertain, reckless, and absolutely wonderful. it consisted of all the ingredients for the perfect amorous story; the seemingly perfect guy who sweeps you off your feet, the instant connection, the excitement in anticipation of the next time, the breathless blissfulness from the dreamlike state you are reduced to by being next to him, the yearning in between your time together, the terror of realising you have already fallen into the ocean before you were even conscious of being by the waterside...

but no matter how much i tried to build a fairy tale house around us, i wasn't completely blinded by the whimsy and cloud nines. this is Real Life after all, and inevitably the aches and hurt slipped through the cracks of our enraptured world. and yet, my love for him sustained me through what could only have been the worst of times; the times where he chose to have someone else before me, the times where i shared the same place in his heart and life as someone else, the times where commitment to me just wasn't on the cards, the times where trust and honesty were merely idealistic plans that got broken by both sides, the times when i could see his love, patience and kindness for me slip away because he no longer had the time for it, the times when i made up every excuse under the sun for the ways he hurt me...

and the time that is now, when i can see him walk further and further away, and i can do nothing to stop him. i want to run and chase, but he has hidden the route for pursuit. i know i should to let go because deep down, my heart feels it is over, it feel his coldness and his detachment like needles finding their resting place in a pincushion. but how do you just let go of the thing you want most in the world right now? i've never been an expert at self-control before, and unfortunately time and age has not made my resolve any stronger.

my days consist of burying the pain of his unspoken rejection into the deepest corner of my mind, but thanks to the miracle that is the human mind, my nights are open for my subconsciousness to sabotage with wishful hopes and dreams that make me wake up and sob from the crushing disappointment that is reality. everyday starts and ends the same, the weight of me missing him heavy on my chest, and me drifting through the minutes in limbo, just waiting for his decision.

but what kind of future could possibly lie ahead of us after all betrayal and heartache? we have lost all the foundations for a chance at a happy ending. love, trust, honesty, commitment...these are all now just whispers in the wind, ghosts of memories past.

and you can say, well you don't have to wait for him, you can walk away and end this right now. but what if i do and i prematurely give up on the one person who i can picture spending my life with? what if, against all odds, he still loves me and is willing to fight for us? what if all my delusions and hypotheticals materialise into something substantial and extraordinary?

so i guess for now, consider me a (i pray) temporary resident of love's no man's land. let's get comfy.

hopelessly

i feel like there might be something that I'll miss
hopelessly
i feel like the window closes oh so quick
hopelessly
i'm taking a mental picture of you now
'cuz hopelessly
the hope is we have so much to feel good about

I know I am thirty-four years late

...but HELLOOOOOOO STAR WARS!

for the past nineteen

(note: i haven't written for so long, i started spelling nineteen with n-i-g-h-t...true story)

years of my ignorant life, i have lived with unwalked skies and unlit sabers, all those times when i casted looks of condescension and complete apathy to that group of people who think pseudo sword fighting with glow sticks were 'cool'. oh you group of people, YOU WERE RIGHT. IT IS COOL. cool to the point where the very act has the ability to cause goosebumps on princess leia's hot golden bikini clad shackled body.

to think back to an era when my world was filled with yoda wadda? and why is han going solo? oh the pain nearly rivals that when i watched the great jedi purge for the first time.

fear not my dear dear galaxy far far away, we have the next nineteen years of my life to properly catch up.

'cause cock backwards is still cock you pricks.

currently,

it is
one in the morning.
after
two hours of sleep last night
and there is
six hours until i have to face another nine to five day at work.

yes, it is a lot of figures to process at this time of night isn't it?

also, having the misfortune to be born sans cock, it is the time of month where i turn to lots and lots of pain killers. so i opened my pack of muscle relaxers earlier this evening, only to remember i was a greedy little bitch last month and consumed them all. i hate you. and by you i mean past me.

also also, nutjobs next door are still moving out (yes, at ONE AM) and clanging away at the stair railings in a fashion not dissimilar (i had to think about if this made sense for a couple minutes...was that two double negatives?) to sinister psychopathic killers.

all in all...i imagine this will be another sleepless night in seattle. or sydney. whatever.

We are in each other’s arms
Just like a movie scene
Cause as we're leaning in
The light decides to turn green
Me and you together
This is getting better
Just butterflies won't do
I don't want just red lights
I want more of these nights
Baby, I love you

finale

seven hundred and forty eight days ago:

you convinced me to say yes. i knew i wasn't a hundred percent sure, and i knew it was unfair to you...i think i just liked the idea of having someone being there for me, and who loved me, even though i did not reciprocate those feelings.

being with you was so easy, at first. of course it was easy. you thought you were so lucky, after all the chasing, and your perseverance, you had what you thought you finally wanted. it was the honeymoon phase, as they call it.

but then, things changed. we both changed. i fell in love...and you fell out. now i was the one who thought you were everything, thought that i was so lucky. i guess it was karma, teaching me a lesson.

you threw away everything, before the year was over. you didn't give me a second thought, you were unfaithful, you hid away like a guilty little child who knew he had been caught dipping his hand in too many candy jars.

yet you never took up the courage to end it. to do the right thing by me, even though i was begging you to. "don't lead me on." i said. "i understand, things change." but still you insisted on taking the chances i handed out like free samples on the street. i kept hoping you would come back to me. i thought you still meant those three words you say but never show.

now i know better. now is the final straw. i have wasted two years of my life, and i am not ready. but you are not worth the fight anymore.

squaddles dee dee

you know you had me at -

"cool t-shirt babe" .

(fooled you! you thought I was going to end with hello didn't you? this aint the jerry maguire blog dude.)

annnddd i think i will stop before this post becomes the deep pan crusted cheese pizza i consumed for dinner. this blog needs coagulated milk protein as much as my body needs a gazillion calories. clearly my witty, artistic style is still evermore nonexistent. perhaps you shall see me in another 318 days.

...are you impressed at how effortlessly I just happened to calculate the length of my absence? well don't be. it took a lot, too much, effort on my part.

toodles.

how to be a huge ass fool

give all you have to someone that doesn't give two shits, not even one.

you are all fcking wrong. i rather feel nothing than this. i want absolutely freakin NOTHING.

Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight
I need help believing, you're with me tonight.

You play dead, but you never bled.

acts in futility.

what is the point in pretending to ask for my permission, when your mind is already made up & your plans prearranged?

why should i continue to grant approvals and oks when they have no legs to stand on? they are merely passive words to soothe your conscience.

too bad, i no longer feel like acquiescing to your acts with questionable motives.

I'll open up and be your parachute,
and I'll never let you down.

So open up and be my human angel,
and we'll only hit the ground,
running...running.