aches and breaks

my dear old friend, it has been a while hasn't it?

considering i only ever turn to you when i am at my lowest, i suppose that is a good sign for how i have passed these last few years. but it seems i have now traveled beyond the good-times-hump in my life journey, to arrive yet again at the mouth of a downturn, and oh what a steep one it is this time.

this new bottom starts the way so many usually do: with falling in love. it was unpredictable, sudden, inconvenient, uncertain, reckless, and absolutely wonderful. it consisted of all the ingredients for the perfect amorous story; the seemingly perfect guy who sweeps you off your feet, the instant connection, the excitement in anticipation of the next time, the breathless blissfulness from the dreamlike state you are reduced to by being next to him, the yearning in between your time together, the terror of realising you have already fallen into the ocean before you were even conscious of being by the waterside...

but no matter how much i tried to build a fairy tale house around us, i wasn't completely blinded by the whimsy and cloud nines. this is Real Life after all, and inevitably the aches and hurt slipped through the cracks of our enraptured world. and yet, my love for him sustained me through what could only have been the worst of times; the times where he chose to have someone else before me, the times where i shared the same place in his heart and life as someone else, the times where commitment to me just wasn't on the cards, the times where trust and honesty were merely idealistic plans that got broken by both sides, the times when i could see his love, patience and kindness for me slip away because he no longer had the time for it, the times when i made up every excuse under the sun for the ways he hurt me...

and the time that is now, when i can see him walk further and further away, and i can do nothing to stop him. i want to run and chase, but he has hidden the route for pursuit. i know i should to let go because deep down, my heart feels it is over, it feel his coldness and his detachment like needles finding their resting place in a pincushion. but how do you just let go of the thing you want most in the world right now? i've never been an expert at self-control before, and unfortunately time and age has not made my resolve any stronger.

my days consist of burying the pain of his unspoken rejection into the deepest corner of my mind, but thanks to the miracle that is the human mind, my nights are open for my subconsciousness to sabotage with wishful hopes and dreams that make me wake up and sob from the crushing disappointment that is reality. everyday starts and ends the same, the weight of me missing him heavy on my chest, and me drifting through the minutes in limbo, just waiting for his decision.

but what kind of future could possibly lie ahead of us after all betrayal and heartache? we have lost all the foundations for a chance at a happy ending. love, trust, honesty, commitment...these are all now just whispers in the wind, ghosts of memories past.

and you can say, well you don't have to wait for him, you can walk away and end this right now. but what if i do and i prematurely give up on the one person who i can picture spending my life with? what if, against all odds, he still loves me and is willing to fight for us? what if all my delusions and hypotheticals materialise into something substantial and extraordinary?

so i guess for now, consider me a (i pray) temporary resident of love's no man's land. let's get comfy.