give all you have to someone that doesn't give two shits, not even one.
you are all fcking wrong. i rather feel nothing than this. i want absolutely freakin NOTHING.
August 14, 2010
June 28, 2010
June 15, 2010
June 12, 2010
acts in futility.
what is the point in pretending to ask for my permission, when your mind is already made up & your plans prearranged?
why should i continue to grant approvals and oks when they have no legs to stand on? they are merely passive words to soothe your conscience.
too bad, i no longer feel like acquiescing to your acts with questionable motives.
why should i continue to grant approvals and oks when they have no legs to stand on? they are merely passive words to soothe your conscience.
too bad, i no longer feel like acquiescing to your acts with questionable motives.
June 09, 2010
May 31, 2010
yet.
im losing ground and gaining speed.
ive lost myself or most of me.
im headed for the final precipice.
...
im so confused
whats true or false
whats fact or fiction after all
i feel like im an apparitions pet.
but you havent lost me yet.
if it doesnt break your heart,
its not enough.
its when youre breaking down
with your insides coming out
thats when you find out what your heart is made of.
and you havent lost me yet.
no you havent lost me yet.
ive lost myself or most of me.
im headed for the final precipice.
...
im so confused
whats true or false
whats fact or fiction after all
i feel like im an apparitions pet.
but you havent lost me yet.
if it doesnt break your heart,
its not enough.
its when youre breaking down
with your insides coming out
thats when you find out what your heart is made of.
and you havent lost me yet.
no you havent lost me yet.
May 29, 2010
time slows, my heart steadily sinks, as you drop it once more.
hitting the harsh bitter concrete, every new crack is a stinging fresh cut on faded bruises and old stubborn scars that refuse to disappear from memory. each wound keeping an unwanted, yet inerasable record of past pains.
a worn, used object for your amusement that, like a discarded toy, no longer hold your fascination and love as better and newer versions are produced.
now if only i could buy a new heart after everytime time you break it.
hitting the harsh bitter concrete, every new crack is a stinging fresh cut on faded bruises and old stubborn scars that refuse to disappear from memory. each wound keeping an unwanted, yet inerasable record of past pains.
a worn, used object for your amusement that, like a discarded toy, no longer hold your fascination and love as better and newer versions are produced.
now if only i could buy a new heart after everytime time you break it.
May 20, 2010
I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines.
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be,
It's only finger-lengths that I see.
I touch the place where I'd find your face,
My finger in creases of distant dark places
...
I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms.
May 17, 2010
every single 'sorry' to escape from you drips of insincerity
and you claim my translation to be an unintended deception, yet this feeble explanation does not quell my suspicion that your words reflect the amount of effort your heart contributes.
May 16, 2010
May 02, 2010
when things break, it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. it's because a little piece gets lost - the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. the whole shape has changed.
- will grayson, will grayson (and best part is i quoted it to the caps ;D because will grayson doesn't use capitals! yes. that warranted an exclamation mark).
---
but how do we stop ourselves before we become bankrupt from buying fruitless amounts of super super glue and hope?
April 20, 2010
confessions pt. II
(couldn't help myself with the title)
though i admit my behaviour for the past month and more has been tedious to put up with, i wish to defend myself.
of course i understand that there is such things as a pure platonic male/female relationship, and i don't give a rats ass about you having many many of these lovely platonic bonds. however, when it turns into a situation where
- you can't go a day without thinking about a girl,
- or a day without talking to a certain girl,
- or a day without having contact with that girl,
i start to question the level of your so called platonic-ness. i understand if you have friends that are close & dear to your heart, friends that you care about like family, i have them too. but i must say, i would be able to survive quite well without having to talk to them for 24 hours. heck one of them is now living 160km away (which is 160km further than your little girl friend) and it cuts me everytime i go to work and know she's not there eating donuts or watching youtube. but i survive (albeit with frequent spamming on fb).
maybe i could accept that you have a girl you need to talk to everyday if it weren't for the fact that somehow you are always initiating conversations with her in the middle of ours (of course, it could be my fault if i am too dull to hold your interest, in which case DON'T FCKING BE WITH ME. let me go bore someone who doesn't mind).
you argue that i should trust you. most people say once someone has broken their trust once, they never trust that person again. but hey, we're sooooo, like, in love or whatever right? you have no idea how much i would give to trust you like i did before christmas, but i am trying. even though YOU ARE NOT HELPING. is this some sort of test (although why I should be the one tested is beyond me) that i'm failing? let's see how many girls you can flaunt in my face without me cracking. ok, you win, i've cracked. the last time you had to talk to a girl everyday and couldn't stop thinking about her, that was me. oh hello. what a nasty coincidence.
it is the same thing every day, every week. same shit, different girl. what is it about them? do you want them to like you, so if we fall through you have a safety net? once a player always a player right? i get that people feel good about themselves knowing that the opposite sex finds them attractive, i don't get off on that personally, but i won't judge. but once you have a 'significant other', shouldn't that stuff not matter anymore? why would you care if a girl likes you or not, or worse, why would you still want them to like you? maybe i seem 'aggro' or angry, but it's always at the same thing, so maybe it's not just me chucking a hissy fit, maybe it's that you never learn the lesson.
i can't take this anymore. because it hurts, and each time is like a papercut. and one million paper cuts, let me inform you, does kill you. if you really did love me you would end this, because maybe you don't realise it, so i will spell it out for you. if you think about another girl while texting your girlfriend and you can't go a day without talking to her, then YOU LIKE HER. do us both a favour and stop using me because i'm safe.
though i admit my behaviour for the past month and more has been tedious to put up with, i wish to defend myself.
of course i understand that there is such things as a pure platonic male/female relationship, and i don't give a rats ass about you having many many of these lovely platonic bonds. however, when it turns into a situation where
- you can't go a day without thinking about a girl,
- or a day without talking to a certain girl,
- or a day without having contact with that girl,
i start to question the level of your so called platonic-ness. i understand if you have friends that are close & dear to your heart, friends that you care about like family, i have them too. but i must say, i would be able to survive quite well without having to talk to them for 24 hours. heck one of them is now living 160km away (which is 160km further than your little girl friend) and it cuts me everytime i go to work and know she's not there eating donuts or watching youtube. but i survive (albeit with frequent spamming on fb).
maybe i could accept that you have a girl you need to talk to everyday if it weren't for the fact that somehow you are always initiating conversations with her in the middle of ours (of course, it could be my fault if i am too dull to hold your interest, in which case DON'T FCKING BE WITH ME. let me go bore someone who doesn't mind).
you argue that i should trust you. most people say once someone has broken their trust once, they never trust that person again. but hey, we're sooooo, like, in love or whatever right? you have no idea how much i would give to trust you like i did before christmas, but i am trying. even though YOU ARE NOT HELPING. is this some sort of test (although why I should be the one tested is beyond me) that i'm failing? let's see how many girls you can flaunt in my face without me cracking. ok, you win, i've cracked. the last time you had to talk to a girl everyday and couldn't stop thinking about her, that was me. oh hello. what a nasty coincidence.
it is the same thing every day, every week. same shit, different girl. what is it about them? do you want them to like you, so if we fall through you have a safety net? once a player always a player right? i get that people feel good about themselves knowing that the opposite sex finds them attractive, i don't get off on that personally, but i won't judge. but once you have a 'significant other', shouldn't that stuff not matter anymore? why would you care if a girl likes you or not, or worse, why would you still want them to like you? maybe i seem 'aggro' or angry, but it's always at the same thing, so maybe it's not just me chucking a hissy fit, maybe it's that you never learn the lesson.
i can't take this anymore. because it hurts, and each time is like a papercut. and one million paper cuts, let me inform you, does kill you. if you really did love me you would end this, because maybe you don't realise it, so i will spell it out for you. if you think about another girl while texting your girlfriend and you can't go a day without talking to her, then YOU LIKE HER. do us both a favour and stop using me because i'm safe.
April 19, 2010
so lately i find myself turning into one of those people i used to look and shake my head at in derision, thinking i would never be one of them, that i would never behave so irrationally, or unreasonably. don't you just hate it when this happens? all of a sudden the task of having to live with yourself has developed into a constant and tiresome agony.
to make myself clearer, i am talking about a person's (me) insecurities, doubts, and possibly a touch of neurosis and bipolar disorder. it is one of those common facts of life that people 'know', and perhaps understand on some shallow level, yet we head in the contrary direction anyway. we have all heard it before in one form or another; that to love someone, it means to appreciate their strengths as well as their flaws, for better or for worse, in good times and in bad (mixing marriage vows here, but in most cases marriages is a result of love right?).
and when you find yourself facing this situation, without hesitation you think to yourself there would be no problems with that. of course you would be able to be a big person and love someone for their good and their bad. yet why is it so hard to believe that the other person can accomplish this same task?
because suddenly, every single little insecurity you have of yourself, all your defects and ugly secrets that you so desperately try to lock away from that other person is threatening to spill out, highlighted, hanged up in lights and naked for the world to speculate and laugh at. suddenly, the carefully constructed facade of desirable qualities crack like cheap plaster walls, and all that is left is the hideous monstrosity that you wish you weren't.
now the question becomes, how do we tame a monster? before it destroys everything, ruining all the things that you wish you can hold on to forever, till death comes and parts us. it feeds on to every string of misery and doubt that crosses the mind, and drools over the path to redemption. it has eaten up all your faith, hope, trust, love, until there is nothing left.
how can anyone accept this, love this? it is not possible. who would prefer to battle with a monster when there are prettier, nicer, skinnier options right next door? options that make you laugh, or play games with you, amuse you, entertain you. option that makes the creature you have to deal with bitter and unappetizing. the escape route has never been paved out smoother.
to make myself clearer, i am talking about a person's (me) insecurities, doubts, and possibly a touch of neurosis and bipolar disorder. it is one of those common facts of life that people 'know', and perhaps understand on some shallow level, yet we head in the contrary direction anyway. we have all heard it before in one form or another; that to love someone, it means to appreciate their strengths as well as their flaws, for better or for worse, in good times and in bad (mixing marriage vows here, but in most cases marriages is a result of love right?).
and when you find yourself facing this situation, without hesitation you think to yourself there would be no problems with that. of course you would be able to be a big person and love someone for their good and their bad. yet why is it so hard to believe that the other person can accomplish this same task?
because suddenly, every single little insecurity you have of yourself, all your defects and ugly secrets that you so desperately try to lock away from that other person is threatening to spill out, highlighted, hanged up in lights and naked for the world to speculate and laugh at. suddenly, the carefully constructed facade of desirable qualities crack like cheap plaster walls, and all that is left is the hideous monstrosity that you wish you weren't.
now the question becomes, how do we tame a monster? before it destroys everything, ruining all the things that you wish you can hold on to forever, till death comes and parts us. it feeds on to every string of misery and doubt that crosses the mind, and drools over the path to redemption. it has eaten up all your faith, hope, trust, love, until there is nothing left.
how can anyone accept this, love this? it is not possible. who would prefer to battle with a monster when there are prettier, nicer, skinnier options right next door? options that make you laugh, or play games with you, amuse you, entertain you. option that makes the creature you have to deal with bitter and unappetizing. the escape route has never been paved out smoother.
February 23, 2010
February 22, 2010
February 13, 2010
Love is not enough anymore.
so this is what a figurative broken cardiac aorta feels like. thanks for the demo bud.
February 11, 2010
dear my turtle friend,
if you ever need a place to crash, and provided i also find a way out of my little prickly nest of doom,
YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME IN MY HUBBUB!
:)
(yeah...im nosy. even long snouted pinnochio cant compete with my nosyness 8D)
and i have cravings for banana chips TT come get some with me hahaa.
YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME IN MY HUBBUB!
:)
(yeah...im nosy. even long snouted pinnochio cant compete with my nosyness 8D)
and i have cravings for banana chips TT come get some with me hahaa.
February 08, 2010
Don't you realise when you say things I actually believe you?But then you never follow through, and all these hopes I had just melt away, and once again I'm left alone, trying to heal this empty feeling I have inside.
I wish I could learn my lesson, but I'm not strong enough to deny hope when it is offered on a platter extended to me by your smile and credible words.
So the only thing I can do is ask you, please stop.
February 02, 2010
And then you feel so low you can't feel nothing at all
I looked into your eyes,
Thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure.
So here's everything coming down to nothing,
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core.
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore.
Thought I knew you for a minute, now I'm not so sure.
So here's everything coming down to nothing,
Here's to silence that cuts me to the core.
Where is this going? Thought I knew for a minute, but I don't anymore.
February 01, 2010
January 25, 2010
January 17, 2010
don't you just hate it when someone breaks your heart, and they don't even know it.
♥
ditto man. ditto.
did you know (ding!), some of the runners had prosthetic balls hanging inside those golden panties. now that is special effects.
my logic goes; she said blog, this is a blog.
juno + harry reference. 'nough said.
i think ellen looks gorgeous here :)I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else but you
it's been brought to my attention that this blog has adopted a slight glass-is-half-empty tone lately,
so im here to rectify this little issue by some juno spamming.
so im here to rectify this little issue by some juno spamming.
But we prefer to pretend it does not exist.
this fight isnt supposed to be so hard,
this harsh, relentless battle
for breath, for freedom,
for happiness, for an improvement of our present.
for some ambiguous greater purpose
we get bruised, we get beaten,
we ache, we bleed.
it baits us, letting our hopes soar through a glimpse of illusive triumph,
only to be shot back down by a glass ceiling barrier.
at most times temptation to end it overcomes us,
the sweetness of escape, a relief from pain,
so easy, numbing.
we pause, on the brink of falling into naive insouciance,
but our gut tugs our feet back, our bodies falling into cushions of tribulation once more.
do we simply never learn from our mistakes,
or perhaps just inside every one of us is a little fcker of a masochist?
--------------
its 3am, sleeplessness makes me sad and slightly unhinged.
'Cause we're all guilty of the same things
We think the thoughts, whether or not we see them through
And I know that I have been forgiven
And I just hope you can forgive me too
So don't you dare blame me
For prying open the door
That's unleashed the bitterness
That's here in the midst of this
Sometimes we live for no one but ourselves
And what we've been striving for
Has turned into nothing more
Than bodies, limp on the floor
Victims of falling short
We kiss goodbye, the cheek of our true love
And you can't see past the blood on my hands
To see that you've been aptly damned to fail and fail again.
this harsh, relentless battle
for breath, for freedom,
for happiness, for an improvement of our present.
for some ambiguous greater purpose
we get bruised, we get beaten,
we ache, we bleed.
it baits us, letting our hopes soar through a glimpse of illusive triumph,
only to be shot back down by a glass ceiling barrier.
at most times temptation to end it overcomes us,
the sweetness of escape, a relief from pain,
so easy, numbing.
we pause, on the brink of falling into naive insouciance,
but our gut tugs our feet back, our bodies falling into cushions of tribulation once more.
do we simply never learn from our mistakes,
or perhaps just inside every one of us is a little fcker of a masochist?
--------------
its 3am, sleeplessness makes me sad and slightly unhinged.
'Cause we're all guilty of the same things
We think the thoughts, whether or not we see them through
And I know that I have been forgiven
And I just hope you can forgive me too
So don't you dare blame me
For prying open the door
That's unleashed the bitterness
That's here in the midst of this
Sometimes we live for no one but ourselves
And what we've been striving for
Has turned into nothing more
Than bodies, limp on the floor
Victims of falling short
We kiss goodbye, the cheek of our true love
And you can't see past the blood on my hands
To see that you've been aptly damned to fail and fail again.
January 11, 2010
January 02, 2010
i'm sorry to disappoint,
but i am not, nor will i ever endeavor to be, or may be by chance transformed into becoming, extraordinary.
contrarily, i selfishly utterly desire to only be happily ordinary.
and in that case, i am not sorry for who i am, or what i want to be.
so please, don't get your hopes up, and do slaughter all your expectations. unless you enjoy having your heart drop in dissatisfaction and rising feelings of regret, discontent and slight resentment (or whole resentment, im not certain of your degree of letdown, but it may be relative to how high former expectations were).
my apologies, if i have unintentionally misled you.
but i am not, nor will i ever endeavor to be, or may be by chance transformed into becoming, extraordinary.
contrarily, i selfishly utterly desire to only be happily ordinary.
and in that case, i am not sorry for who i am, or what i want to be.
so please, don't get your hopes up, and do slaughter all your expectations. unless you enjoy having your heart drop in dissatisfaction and rising feelings of regret, discontent and slight resentment (or whole resentment, im not certain of your degree of letdown, but it may be relative to how high former expectations were).
my apologies, if i have unintentionally misled you.
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