April 20, 2010
confessions pt. II
(couldn't help myself with the title)
though i admit my behaviour for the past month and more has been tedious to put up with, i wish to defend myself.
of course i understand that there is such things as a pure platonic male/female relationship, and i don't give a rats ass about you having many many of these lovely platonic bonds. however, when it turns into a situation where
- you can't go a day without thinking about a girl,
- or a day without talking to a certain girl,
- or a day without having contact with that girl,
i start to question the level of your so called platonic-ness. i understand if you have friends that are close & dear to your heart, friends that you care about like family, i have them too. but i must say, i would be able to survive quite well without having to talk to them for 24 hours. heck one of them is now living 160km away (which is 160km further than your little girl friend) and it cuts me everytime i go to work and know she's not there eating donuts or watching youtube. but i survive (albeit with frequent spamming on fb).
maybe i could accept that you have a girl you need to talk to everyday if it weren't for the fact that somehow you are always initiating conversations with her in the middle of ours (of course, it could be my fault if i am too dull to hold your interest, in which case DON'T FCKING BE WITH ME. let me go bore someone who doesn't mind).
you argue that i should trust you. most people say once someone has broken their trust once, they never trust that person again. but hey, we're sooooo, like, in love or whatever right? you have no idea how much i would give to trust you like i did before christmas, but i am trying. even though YOU ARE NOT HELPING. is this some sort of test (although why I should be the one tested is beyond me) that i'm failing? let's see how many girls you can flaunt in my face without me cracking. ok, you win, i've cracked. the last time you had to talk to a girl everyday and couldn't stop thinking about her, that was me. oh hello. what a nasty coincidence.
it is the same thing every day, every week. same shit, different girl. what is it about them? do you want them to like you, so if we fall through you have a safety net? once a player always a player right? i get that people feel good about themselves knowing that the opposite sex finds them attractive, i don't get off on that personally, but i won't judge. but once you have a 'significant other', shouldn't that stuff not matter anymore? why would you care if a girl likes you or not, or worse, why would you still want them to like you? maybe i seem 'aggro' or angry, but it's always at the same thing, so maybe it's not just me chucking a hissy fit, maybe it's that you never learn the lesson.
i can't take this anymore. because it hurts, and each time is like a papercut. and one million paper cuts, let me inform you, does kill you. if you really did love me you would end this, because maybe you don't realise it, so i will spell it out for you. if you think about another girl while texting your girlfriend and you can't go a day without talking to her, then YOU LIKE HER. do us both a favour and stop using me because i'm safe.
though i admit my behaviour for the past month and more has been tedious to put up with, i wish to defend myself.
of course i understand that there is such things as a pure platonic male/female relationship, and i don't give a rats ass about you having many many of these lovely platonic bonds. however, when it turns into a situation where
- you can't go a day without thinking about a girl,
- or a day without talking to a certain girl,
- or a day without having contact with that girl,
i start to question the level of your so called platonic-ness. i understand if you have friends that are close & dear to your heart, friends that you care about like family, i have them too. but i must say, i would be able to survive quite well without having to talk to them for 24 hours. heck one of them is now living 160km away (which is 160km further than your little girl friend) and it cuts me everytime i go to work and know she's not there eating donuts or watching youtube. but i survive (albeit with frequent spamming on fb).
maybe i could accept that you have a girl you need to talk to everyday if it weren't for the fact that somehow you are always initiating conversations with her in the middle of ours (of course, it could be my fault if i am too dull to hold your interest, in which case DON'T FCKING BE WITH ME. let me go bore someone who doesn't mind).
you argue that i should trust you. most people say once someone has broken their trust once, they never trust that person again. but hey, we're sooooo, like, in love or whatever right? you have no idea how much i would give to trust you like i did before christmas, but i am trying. even though YOU ARE NOT HELPING. is this some sort of test (although why I should be the one tested is beyond me) that i'm failing? let's see how many girls you can flaunt in my face without me cracking. ok, you win, i've cracked. the last time you had to talk to a girl everyday and couldn't stop thinking about her, that was me. oh hello. what a nasty coincidence.
it is the same thing every day, every week. same shit, different girl. what is it about them? do you want them to like you, so if we fall through you have a safety net? once a player always a player right? i get that people feel good about themselves knowing that the opposite sex finds them attractive, i don't get off on that personally, but i won't judge. but once you have a 'significant other', shouldn't that stuff not matter anymore? why would you care if a girl likes you or not, or worse, why would you still want them to like you? maybe i seem 'aggro' or angry, but it's always at the same thing, so maybe it's not just me chucking a hissy fit, maybe it's that you never learn the lesson.
i can't take this anymore. because it hurts, and each time is like a papercut. and one million paper cuts, let me inform you, does kill you. if you really did love me you would end this, because maybe you don't realise it, so i will spell it out for you. if you think about another girl while texting your girlfriend and you can't go a day without talking to her, then YOU LIKE HER. do us both a favour and stop using me because i'm safe.
April 19, 2010
so lately i find myself turning into one of those people i used to look and shake my head at in derision, thinking i would never be one of them, that i would never behave so irrationally, or unreasonably. don't you just hate it when this happens? all of a sudden the task of having to live with yourself has developed into a constant and tiresome agony.
to make myself clearer, i am talking about a person's (me) insecurities, doubts, and possibly a touch of neurosis and bipolar disorder. it is one of those common facts of life that people 'know', and perhaps understand on some shallow level, yet we head in the contrary direction anyway. we have all heard it before in one form or another; that to love someone, it means to appreciate their strengths as well as their flaws, for better or for worse, in good times and in bad (mixing marriage vows here, but in most cases marriages is a result of love right?).
and when you find yourself facing this situation, without hesitation you think to yourself there would be no problems with that. of course you would be able to be a big person and love someone for their good and their bad. yet why is it so hard to believe that the other person can accomplish this same task?
because suddenly, every single little insecurity you have of yourself, all your defects and ugly secrets that you so desperately try to lock away from that other person is threatening to spill out, highlighted, hanged up in lights and naked for the world to speculate and laugh at. suddenly, the carefully constructed facade of desirable qualities crack like cheap plaster walls, and all that is left is the hideous monstrosity that you wish you weren't.
now the question becomes, how do we tame a monster? before it destroys everything, ruining all the things that you wish you can hold on to forever, till death comes and parts us. it feeds on to every string of misery and doubt that crosses the mind, and drools over the path to redemption. it has eaten up all your faith, hope, trust, love, until there is nothing left.
how can anyone accept this, love this? it is not possible. who would prefer to battle with a monster when there are prettier, nicer, skinnier options right next door? options that make you laugh, or play games with you, amuse you, entertain you. option that makes the creature you have to deal with bitter and unappetizing. the escape route has never been paved out smoother.
to make myself clearer, i am talking about a person's (me) insecurities, doubts, and possibly a touch of neurosis and bipolar disorder. it is one of those common facts of life that people 'know', and perhaps understand on some shallow level, yet we head in the contrary direction anyway. we have all heard it before in one form or another; that to love someone, it means to appreciate their strengths as well as their flaws, for better or for worse, in good times and in bad (mixing marriage vows here, but in most cases marriages is a result of love right?).
and when you find yourself facing this situation, without hesitation you think to yourself there would be no problems with that. of course you would be able to be a big person and love someone for their good and their bad. yet why is it so hard to believe that the other person can accomplish this same task?
because suddenly, every single little insecurity you have of yourself, all your defects and ugly secrets that you so desperately try to lock away from that other person is threatening to spill out, highlighted, hanged up in lights and naked for the world to speculate and laugh at. suddenly, the carefully constructed facade of desirable qualities crack like cheap plaster walls, and all that is left is the hideous monstrosity that you wish you weren't.
now the question becomes, how do we tame a monster? before it destroys everything, ruining all the things that you wish you can hold on to forever, till death comes and parts us. it feeds on to every string of misery and doubt that crosses the mind, and drools over the path to redemption. it has eaten up all your faith, hope, trust, love, until there is nothing left.
how can anyone accept this, love this? it is not possible. who would prefer to battle with a monster when there are prettier, nicer, skinnier options right next door? options that make you laugh, or play games with you, amuse you, entertain you. option that makes the creature you have to deal with bitter and unappetizing. the escape route has never been paved out smoother.
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