so lately i find myself turning into one of those people i used to look and shake my head at in derision, thinking i would never be one of them, that i would never behave so irrationally, or unreasonably. don't you just hate it when this happens? all of a sudden the task of having to live with yourself has developed into a constant and tiresome agony.

to make myself clearer, i am talking about a person's (me) insecurities, doubts, and possibly a touch of neurosis and bipolar disorder. it is one of those common facts of life that people 'know', and perhaps understand on some shallow level, yet we head in the contrary direction anyway. we have all heard it before in one form or another; that to love someone, it means to appreciate their strengths as well as their flaws, for better or for worse, in good times and in bad (mixing marriage vows here, but in most cases marriages is a result of love right?).

and when you find yourself facing this situation, without hesitation you think to yourself there would be no problems with that. of course you would be able to be a big person and love someone for their good and their bad. yet why is it so hard to believe that the other person can accomplish this same task?

because suddenly, every single little insecurity you have of yourself, all your defects and ugly secrets that you so desperately try to lock away from that other person is threatening to spill out, highlighted, hanged up in lights and naked for the world to speculate and laugh at. suddenly, the carefully constructed facade of desirable qualities crack like cheap plaster walls, and all that is left is the hideous monstrosity that you wish you weren't.

now the question becomes, how do we tame a monster? before it destroys everything, ruining all the things that you wish you can hold on to forever, till death comes and parts us. it feeds on to every string of misery and doubt that crosses the mind, and drools over the path to redemption. it has eaten up all your faith, hope, trust, love, until there is nothing left.

how can anyone accept this, love this? it is not possible. who would prefer to battle with a monster when there are prettier, nicer, skinnier options right next door? options that make you laugh, or play games with you, amuse you, entertain you. option that makes the creature you have to deal with bitter and unappetizing. the escape route has never been paved out smoother.